My Coming Out Memoir

I wrote this memoir, for what seems a long time ago, because I felt the need to tell my story to my teacher for an essay assignment we had. She was an amazing teacher and friend yet in the end, I ended up not going through with it for certain reasons. I was searching through my old files and I found it again and it really made me smile and cry. I really have came a long way in my life and it’s only uphill from here. Please be warned for there is some choppy sentences and structure in this and remember I was only in the 10th grade when I wrote this! Thanks you…

Judgment is harsh. Judgment for who you are is harsher. Going through life I always knew I was different. I wasn’t like the other boys: playing in mud, wanting to go hunting with their dad, or playing football. I was the type of kid that liked to go shopping, hang out with my mom, and stay inside. Labeled as an outcast I was always the child that was different. I acted more flamboyant than other boys my age, and I was tortured because of it. Throughout the years, I was bullied for being who I am. From my classmates mouths I constantly heard the words “faggot”, “gay”, or “queer”. God was it hard; it was hard to go through my childhood and have to deal with such a thing, but I tried to overcome it. Year after year I went though the same episodes of hearing and sometimes even believing their words. I remember some nights I would even cry myself to sleep thinking of the worst things that could go through my head and believing what people would say about me. Because of this, I was depressed throughout most of my childhood. Even to this day I still experience what I have dealt with since I was a child. Finally, in the beginning of my 10th grade year of high school, I realized that the only reason I fell prey to their taunting words was because I was in denial of who I actually was. It wasn’t until then, that I had finally took the time to open up to someone and because of it, it ended up changing my life forever.  On October 14, 2012, I came out to my best friend Kegan. I remember everything clearly from that night. I was lying down on my bed in my room watching TV when I heard my phone go off; it was Kegan so I thought nothing off it and we just started small chatting. A few texts went by and after that he told me that he had something to say. He told me about how this girl at the church we go to on Wednesday nights kept asking him if I was gay or not. After reading that text I got depressed as usual, but this time it was different. I had gotten closer to Kegan that semester and he was the first person I really connected with who didn’t judge me for who I was. He was open-minded and I could act normal around him and not feel ashamed of what I did or how I acted. He was different like me. I had known for a long time that I was unlike everyone else, and I was tired of lying to everyone about it. Never opening up to anyone in my life before made me want express everything about myself to him. I knew he would help me because there was something so special about him that made me feel so welcomed and loved. So I took this chance and I poured my complete heart out to him. I told him all about how I’ve questioned myself about it for a while but I’ve known in my heart that I couldn’t deny who I am. With him still texting me, I explained to him all about how it was a set off for me when all of my friends had girlfriends and I just never seemed to like girls like they did. I was repulsed by the thought of liking girls in that way and told myself that I would fall for them eventually. In the meantime I would just tell myself how weird I was because everyone else seemed to think the same way towards me. Going on, I told him about how depressed I was because knew I was different from others and how hard I tried to act normal. Growing up, the people close to me would constantly tell me that being gay was an abomination and God did not love gays. I would pray continuously to God, asking him why I didn’t come out normal like everyone else. Feeling like a disgrace to my family and people around me, I felt ashamed for how I was. With the perfect presence, Kegan comforted me and gave me the love I deserved while not judging me for who I was when he really could have. He expressed to me that he supported me for who I was and did not care one bit that I was this way. I cried so much that night into my pillow; sobbing over the thought of thankfulness. I was so thankful that I finally told someone how I felt about myself and had gotten it off of my chest. That night I will never forget the feeling that he gave me. Kegan gave me the feeling of being accepted for who I really am which is something I have never experienced before in my life. He made me realize that I shouldn’t be ashamed of what I do or liking who I want because it was not my fault that I acted that way; I was born like this. He had shared with me that God made me this way for a reason just as he creates everyone for a special purpose. I was relieved because he showed me that there are people out there that care about me and don’t mind how I act or what I do. I found myself to gain happiness again because of him taking the time to hear me out and letting me share my story with him. Life soon felt like it was getting better just because he helped me come to the realization of just being myself and only myself. My life was simply changed after that night and I thank God every single day because of it.  After that eventful milestone in my life, I found myself opening up more to people. As time went on I shared more and more of who I really am to my friends. I found people that support how I am and love me now because of it. I couldn’t be more thankful and more blessed to know the people I know. Moving on to the future I plan on coming out to my family even though I know that it will be tough for them. In the end I know they will support me because of how very open-minded and loving they are. I know I will be able to tell them the truth about me because I have such great friends that will help me out along the way. Being this way is tough; I know my life is different from others. In my heart I know God loves me for who I am and made me this way for a reason. Every conventional person I walk by will still persecute me for who I am. Some people will criticize what I do; I might even lose people who I love dearly because of it. In the end though I am okay with all of it because I know I can deal with the pain as long as I have people like Kegan in my life who will support me all of the way. We are all going to be judged for who we are or what we do, you just have to keep your head up because trust me, you will have your support and you will get through it. I am Tyler Gage McMorris. I am a normal human being and I am proud to say I am gay.

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Ew school no go away

Well Summer’s over and it’s off to 11th grade. I’m a Junior now and it totally depresses me. Summer went by way too fast and now I have to start back again at working my butt off in all of my classes this year. I don’t know if I’m ready for this school year because that means I’m closer to graduating, and going to college, and maybe soon even moving off! It all scares me so much; the thought of being independent. I always talk about how I’m so ready to move on with my life but it’s crazy because I only have two years before I head off to college. I shouldn’t be worrying about college right now though because the real thing I should worry about right now is Junior year. I’ll be taking 3 college credit classes plus two foreign languages: Spanish and Algebra II. It’s going to be so hard to maintain my A average this year. I just hope I will be able to handle all of it… The happy thing though is that Autumn and Winter is coming around the corner and that means cold weather, hot cocoa, bonfires, sweaters, and good ole fun with my best friends! Before I know it Halloween will be here, then Thanksgiving and even Christmas. Christmas will be especially cheerful considering my my little niece/nephew will finally be born. It’s crazy how time flies and I just know this year will go by so fast (hopefully). I just need to keep this whole school thing in check because before I know it I will either be getting bad grades or killing someone in my class. Hopefully none of that happens but who knows. 🙂

P.S. If you are reading this Mrs. Carp, soak up the sun for us while we have to go through this school year without you! We all miss you! 🙂

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Numb

I make myself numb to escape from reality. Whether it be an unnoteworthy argument or a overwhelming affliction; numbness is my serenity. I seem to insert myself into these stages of solitude for only one reason. That one reason is to escape the pain from my worldly body. By putting myself on cloud nine during that period of numbness, I end up escaping the treacherous reaches of ache that arises all around me. Numbness and I know each other very well. We are accustomed to each others likeness and feed off from each-other in a mutualistic relationship. It in turn gives me relief while it consumes me for itself. This relationship seems interdependent at first but the benefit I get from numbness is only temporary and in almost all times ends parasitically for me. Why do I still pursue it though if it harms me so much? That’s the only question I know the answer to. I always go back to this island of tranquility because it’s my own addiction. Numbness gives me an all natural high that I can float upon and feel free for that moment in time. Without it, I would crash on not being able to handle the stress and pain of everyday’s torture. I am in need of feeling numb because I could not and still cannot deal with everything all at once for if I did go without it I would be pulverized by the worlds clutches. When crushed my body would soon be consumed by the surrounding dirt for it would be too much to handle and my exsistance would come to an end. I would be back in the Earth’s cycle again of reuse and it wouldn’t be worth all of that to just give it up. Without numbness I would be dead and long forgotten. I am strong, but I am only strong for I have numbness as my security, escape, and as my friend.

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June 26, 2013

All I can think of is what’s happening right now and I just can’t find myself happy.
All I think about is depressing things.
My life is good so I don’t know exactly why I feel this way but I do.
It hurts and I hurt and I can’t stop crying.
I just want it to go away but it won’t and I’m trying.
Trust me, I’m trying so hard.
Nothing’s wrong yet here I am just am crying so much.
Maybe it’s just a cycle I need to go through.
Maybe I’m set on spin for 30 minutes or even an hour till I’m done, I don’t know.
I know I’ll quit eventually and I’ll be okay again,
but I just need to let the spinning stop before that.
I just need to run my cycle before I cut off.
This is how I feel.
I’ve dealt with this before and I know I can get over it.
It will pass.
I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m. Okay..
I just really needed to tell you that.

Summer at its Finest

Well I haven’t posted on here in a while. SORRY! Well I guess I’m not too sorry considering nobody actually reads these. I just wanted to give a quick update over how my Summer is doing.

School finally came to an end and fortunately enough I had a vacation planned right after. We traveled by plane all the way to Denver, Colorado, to visit my family. It was my cousin, Ashleigh’s, graduation so the timing was just perfect.

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We spent a week there while exploring the natures and attractions of Colorado. We explored the mountains in Estes Park, experienced a Rockie’s baseball game, toured the city of Denver, and stood bewildered at the Royal Gorge Bridge.

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We even went on a camping trip with my family to a part of Kansas where they ride their dune-buggies, ATVs, and dirt bikes in the huge sand dunes they offer.

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We had an absolutely great time in Colorado (/ a little bit of Kansas).

After getting back from Colorado (which also included my 16th birthday on May 21) I was able to get my license in the short four days that I had because on that Sunday we left for Grand Isle.

My father’s company he works for owns a beautiful camp down in Grand Isle and we book it once a year to go there. We caught some fish, caught some waves, and enjoyed the fun quality time with each other and friends that came. IMG_5921IMG_5938 IMG_6044

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What can I say, it’s been a great Summer already and it has just began! I know it’s going to go by quickly though because time flies when you are having fun.

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May 14, 2013

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Mrs. Carpenter and Mrs. Vulgamore smiling for the internet

As school comes to a close I feel the need to please everyone and leave a good ending to a good year. Today, considering it’s May 14 when I wrote this, was awards day. I was very surprised to receive all the awards I did and I could have thought of a million reasons why my teachers could have gave it to someone else, but in the end they didn’t and they chose me and I’m so happy and thankful that they did. I always seem to have a love/hate relationship with awards day and other things that promote me beating someone else. This is only because I really do hate when people to get mad at me because I got it and they didn’t. I don’t like to rub it into peoples faces that I did better than them because I know I wouldn’t want it done to me. This year has been pretty amazing. I’ve come to grow close to all of my teachers and I’m so sad I won’t see them until next school year. I will surely miss all my teachers including my teacher Mrs. Carpenter, who’s moving to the Virgin Islands. It’s sad that she won’t be at school next year but I’m am so happy and inspired by her and her husband’s decision to move there and follow their dreams.

It’s the last week of school for me and I’ll be flying high on an airplane this Saturday, the 18. I’ll be leaving for Colorado to celebrate my cousin’s graduation and also enjoying my summer vacation as well. This year has just went by so fast and I can’t believe it’s already coming to an end. I’ll be getting my drivers license in the coming weeks and then I have a free summer to enjoy with my best friends. I maintained a 4.0 this school year and that’s about the only thing I am surely proud of. It’s been a tough and good year but I will be dreading next year with all my college classes and harder teachers. Even though it might be more tough next year I know I can be able to get through it; my teachers have prepared me for it anyways. It really is crazy how time flies. I have only two more years of high school! I’ll be getting my junior ring, applying for scholarships, and more than anything I’ll be growing up. With junior and senior year coming up I’ve got to enjoy the time I have now. It’s the start of summer 2013 and it will be a great summer I promise you that.

“The bad news is that time flies. The good news is that your the pilot.” -Unknown

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Run

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Run. It is the only thing that is on my mind at this moment. There is bead of sweat built upon my forehead as I feel it trickle off my the side of my face and land upon the cold ground. My heart is beating like an orchestrated drum; it gets louder and louder as I hear its piercing sound through my ears. The ground crackles underneath me while leaves are trailing behind in the wind. Running for a way out of here is my goal. I try to maintain my balance while searching though the dense fog built between the canopy of trees. I am running to my full potential trying to escape whatever is pursuing me. This predator is my motivation for running to safety. I don’t look back for fear of what I encounter. Sprinting in a straight line, I’ve been running for what feels like to be ages. With exhaustion setting in, I’m worried that I won’t be able to continue. I know that there is something hideous and terrifying behind me, but I have to make it out of here alive. I prosper through this treacherous journey to be able to find hope at the edge of the forest. I worry about myself for it is getting harder and harder to breathe.  Weakness is beginning to fall unto me as I sense this monster trailing closer behind me. It’s breath is blowing upon my neck ready to strike at any moment I decide to give up. My brain goes into overdrive with emotions. I know for sure I can not continue for much longer. My memories of regret, sadness, and fatality conjure into my tears being released from my eyes. I remember my friends, family, and my life as I feel the ending coming to a near. I start to say a prayer to God while running; praying for thankfulness for giving me the time I’ve had in my mortal body. When in the middle of my prayer, I suddenly trip on a tree root going face first in the leaves. I do not want to turn back around for sure I would face this demon chasing me. I produce enough bravery to turn my body away from the dirt and leaves. All this running is at an end and I feel so is my life, and I was ready for it. I turn my head far enough to realize that I stare face to face with absolutely nothing.

Nothing is what I have been running from the whole time. A sense of relief washes over me as I realize it’s finally over. I stand up and brush myself off and start to walk once again to get out of the woods. As I spot the edge of a clearing, I see the sun shining peacefully overhead. The battle in this woods is finally over and I’ve won. Being nothing was my absolute fear. Running was the only way to escape nothing. I ran away from it because I’ve always feared the thought of it catching up with me and soon consuming my life to be known as nothing. I knew this creature all too well for this is not the first encounter with it. Even though I was able to overcome nothing this time, I am sure to see it next time in my dreams once again.

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The Shower

Usually in the shower is where I find most of my comfort. I stand under the the peeling hot shower head for over 20 minutes in the morning. Just standing there. I usually fix my eyes upon the drain watching the swirl of bubbles meeting their doom when being consumed by the gulping monster. I usually think about my day, how bad or good it was. Usually I think of the negative things. That usually leads to a flow of water to trickle down my face and conjoin with their brothers and sisters in the drain. I feel it to be good to cry during a shower. As the tears fall down, so does the negative thoughts. The sad days, emotions, and memories fade with the shower’s water. With the distressing flung out of your body, there is place for a new, fulfilling event to crawl into your soul. As I reach to turn the shower off, I feel anew. I feel like I could actually conquer my day and make the best of it.

I find myself in the shower once again that dreadful night. I peel away the layers of emotions again. I feel the same as when I started my day; depressed and full of fear. The shower head’s water eases me while still no permanent change ever occurs. The shower is only temporary bandage for the pain it covers. Every day the pain seeps back through and I start the cycle of anew again. All of this happens while I watch cowardly of the helpless bubbles lives ending in the drain and mine still going on.

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First Story

As I was thinking of something to write about for my first story on WordPress, I was stumped to what I would write about. There are endless possibilities I could write upon. Perhaps I could write about myself, about my school, about an important topic, or I could just make up a story to get this done with. I could possibly go outside, get some fresh air, and come back in with an open brain to figure out what to write. But I find it interesting to think that just because I can’t think of anything to write about doesn’t mean I’m not already writing about something. I mean look at it like this, I couldn’t find a topic to write upon but in all actuality I am writing about not knowing what to write about. You could think of it as “writeception”. A writing about a writing about a writing about writing something. Sounds kind of silly doesn’t it, but it still expresses my opinions, emotions, and words to what I am trying to explain. What I am actually trying to explain though is that even though you can’t think of something to write about doesn’t mean a great story isn’t hidden inside of you already. Because trust me everyone has a story that is hidden in their locked brain, you just have to take the time to find it. Take it from me, I couldn’t find anything to write about so you know what I did? I wrote about not knowing what to write about.

Thank you

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My Favorite Poem

“Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Chops”
because that was the name of his dog

And that’s what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo

And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X’s

and he had to ask his father what the X’s meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Autumn”

because that was the name of the season
And that’s what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint

And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed

when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Innocence: A Question”
because that was the question about his girl
And that’s what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A

and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle’s Creed went

And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her

but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That’s why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem

And he called it “Absolutely Nothing”
Because that’s what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn’t think

he could reach the kitchen.” 
― Stephen ChboskyThe Perks of Being a Wallflower

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